Real John Kerry Quotes

The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."- John F. Kerry

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."- John F. Kerry

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and
that one word is 'to be prepared'."- John F. Kerry

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."- John F. Kerry

"The future will be better tomorrow."- John F. Kerry

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."- John F. Kerry

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- John F. Kerry

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a
firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."- John F. Kerry

"Public speaking is very easy."- John F. Kerry

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls."- John F. Kerry

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- John F. Kerry

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."- John F. Kerry

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children."- John F. Kerry

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."- John F. Kerry

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."- John F. Kerry

Message from the Plane's Cabin

A plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who was obviously enjoying himself. He swished down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

The flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, honey."

Military training exercise

On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when a voice broke the silence and asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"
After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"

At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link. When he finished, there was silence for about 10 seconds.

Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

Beer Revealed as Historic Female Plot....

Beer Revealed as Historic Female Plot....

Yesterday, scientists suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phyto-estrogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 50 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men:
- talked excessively without making sense;
- became overly emotional; - couldn't drive;
- failed to think rationally;
- argued over nothing;
- had to sit down while urinating;
- refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
No further testing was considered necessary.