A Dachshund, a Leopard and a Monkey

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in
Africa. She took her faithful pet dachshund along for
company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and
before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of
having lunch.

The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund
exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard.
I wonder if there are any more around here."
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in
mid-stride.
A look of terror comes over him, and he
slinks away into the trees."Whew," says the leopard.
"That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the
whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this
knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from
the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard
with great speed, and figured that something must be
up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with
the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and
says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's
going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the
monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do
now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with
his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them yet Just when they get close enough to hear, the
dachshund says.... "Where's that damn monkey? I sent
him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

REMEMBER:
IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM
WITH BULLSHIT !

Giving 100% at Work

Always give 100% at work...

12% on Monday

23% on Tuesday

40% on Wednesday

20% on Thursday

5% on Fridays


And remember... When you're having a really bad day and it seems like
people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown
and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.

SNAPPY COMEBACK LINES

"Did you take a bath?"
"Why, Is there one missing?"

"Are you chewing gum?"
"No, I'm John Smith"

"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."
"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"

"What are you going to be when you graduate?"
"An old man"

"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
"Are you well now?"

"Do you say a prayer before you eat?"
"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."

"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."
"Who wants to eat friends?"

"We are having mother for dinner, darling."
"Make sure she's well done."

"I want some rat poison."
"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"

"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other."
"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."

"May I hold your hand?"
"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."

"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"
"No, sir, only when it rains

> "When will you straighten out the house, dear?"
"Why? Is it tilted?"

"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"
"No, you'll have to walk"
"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"
"But why? My wife isn't dangerous."

"I have changed! my mind."
"Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"

"Would you like your coffee black?"
"What other colors do you have?"

CALL CENTRE JOBS: PEOPLE WONDER WHY THEY R PAID SO MUCH

CALL CENTRE JOBS: PEOPLE WONDER WHY THEY R PAID SO MUCH......FOR JUST BEING ON THE PHONE. TAKE A LOOK:

1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
=======================================================================
2)Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
========================================================================
3)Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
=========================================================================
4)Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
==========================================================================
5) Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, canyou see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
===========================================================================
6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
===========================================================================
7)Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
===========================================================================
8). Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
===========================================================================
9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
============================================================================
10). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
============================================================================

For cigarrette lovers.. A Question

Question: You are in a boat in the middle of a river. you have 2
cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. you don't have anything
else with you in the boat? How will you do it?
.
.
.
.
.
.
. Give up...???? .
.
.
.
.
.
Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in
the water. so the boat will become LIGHTER........using
this LIGHTER you can light the other cigarette
More Answers...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another solution: You throw a cigarette up and
catch it. Catches win Matches. Using the matches
that you win, you can light the cigarette
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Take water in your hand and drop it drop by
drop...(TIP - TIP)
"TIP TIP barsa Pani.
Pani ne aag lagayee."
us aag se hamne cigarette jalayee.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If the first solution is not working...you jump
into the water...The boat now definitely becomes
LIGHTER...and then you know what to do...
----------------------------------------------------------------
Otherwise take the boat at the end of the tunnel, u
can catch the light there.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------
another solution.. u have 2 cig.. just look at one and tell other one " the
former looks better"...
us cig ko jalan hogi aur wo jal jaayegi...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
EK CIG PER DAAG LAGA DO
AS PER SANJAY DUTT'S MOVIE........DAAG THE FIRE
DAAG = FIRE
REST U KNOW WUT TO DO
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Film se yaad aya
Wait for cig to get jawaaan
As u know jawaaani,deewaani
Todeee aaag hai thoda sa paani
------------------------------------------------------------------

A Mug of Beer

Event : An insect falls into a mug of beer...

Reactions:
Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out

American: Takes the insect out and drinks the beer Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the beer away Japanese: Drinks the beer with insect as it is coming free

Indian: Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer. ......INTELLIGENT!!...

Pakistani: -Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer -Relates the issue to Kashmir -Asks the Chinese for Military aid -Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer

Laloo Yadav's car Driver

Laloo Yadav's car is driving along a back country road on the way back to Patna, when all of a sudden a piglet jumps out in front of the car.

The piglet dies on the spot. Laloo, upset, tells the chauffeur to go
find the owner of the piglet so that he can pay the damages.

The driver is gone for two hours and when he comes back, he has a bag
full of money, and a wondering look on his face.Laloo wants to know
whathappened.

The driver tells him "Hum jab gaanv me pahuncha to dekha kuchh log ped ke niche baithe hain. Jub hum unko bataya ki ka hua hai, tab sara log jama ho gaya. Humko laga ki aaj to hamra pitayee hoga. Par hum ka dekhta hoon ki sara log paisa jamaa kar raha hain. Hum socha ki ye sara piasa wo janvar ka malik ka liye hoga. Par un logan ne saara paisa hamein ko de diya."

Laloo says "Sasoor ka natee, Theek theek batawa. Tum unko ka bola tha?"
The driver replies "Hum kaha ki hum Laloo Yadav ka driver hoon aur hum sooar ka bachcha ko maar diya hoon."

mathematically Work 100%

Hey check this out ! Hilarious !
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like
this:

What makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are
giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone
wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26,

then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and,
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

and, look how far ass kissing will take you:
A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical
certainty that:

While Hard Work! and Knowledge will get you close,
and Attitude will getyou there,
Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!

3 Army Generals, one Chinese, an INDIAN, and a Turk

There were three generals, one Chinese, an INDIAN, and a Turk. They
were bragging about how good each of their armies were.

The Chinaman said, "My army would kill themselves for their country!"

Then he put a platoon in a little room and told them, "When this
feather hits the floor I want all of you to shoot yourselves!"

He then went outside the room and five seconds later there were
numerous gunshots and everyone in the room was dead.

Next came the Turkish General and he said the same thing to one of
his platoons. About seven seconds later they heard gunshots and once
again everyone was dead.

Finally came the INDIAN and he did the same to his platoon. Several
seconds past and there were no gunshots. They decided to wait a
little longer. Then several more seconds past and still no gunshots.

Finally they went in and the whole INDIAN platoon was on the floor
blowing under the feather to keep it up.

Difference A mechanic and a Doctor

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of
a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was
standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to
take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello
Doctor! Please come over here for a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in
new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come
you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same
work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic .....
What did he say ???

Guess ......
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He said : "Try to do it when the engine is running".

Universal LAWS

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to
itch.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Kovac's Conundrum:

When you dial a wrong number,you never get an engaged one.

Cannon's Karmic Law:

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat
tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

O'brien's Variation Law:

If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster
than the one you are in now.

BELL'S THEOREM

When the body is immersed in water , the telephone rings.

RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are
with someone you don't want to be seen with.

WILLOUGHBY'S LAW

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

BREDA'S RULE

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle
arrive last.

OWEN'S LAW

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask
you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Great Chance to know about Yourself

Here you have a great chance to know about yourself like your
character etc.
without spending a money.

Here it is.....

Imagine you walked into a small hut by the river in the jungle. You
pushed open the door, in front of you were 7 small beds to the right
of the hut, and another 7 small chairs surrounding a small round
table. In the middle of the table was a round food tray with 5 kinds
of fruit in it. There are:

a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange

Which fruit will u choose? Your choice reveals about u!

Test results : Please SCROLL DOWN













Here are the results..

a. if you chosen apple: that means you are a person who loves to eat
apple

b. if you chosen banana: that means you are a person who loves to eat
banana

c. if you chosen strawberry: that means you are a person who loves to
eat strawberry

d. if you chosen peach: that means you are a person who loves to eat
peach

e. if you chosen orange: that means you are a person who loves to eat
orange
Note: I bet u r hunting for me to Kick me.....well...I am still
hunting for the person who sent me this...! :)